The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
This is the high leading the old right now
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
