a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.