I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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