I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
