Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
