What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
