You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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