i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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