matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
