Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
