dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
