I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
