saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
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He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
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I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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