i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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