we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
