i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
