my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
