Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
