There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
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