We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
