they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
