can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
