I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
