Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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