my soul wont recognize me after tonight
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
