I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
