Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
