All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
