ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
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