Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
