dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
