if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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