the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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