I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
