I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
