These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
