you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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