She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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