The maid of honor just puked.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
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