a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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