final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
