checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
