Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
