dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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