never play flip cup with pint glasses
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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