Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
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