We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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