just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
