Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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