I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
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i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
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I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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