genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
