True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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