i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
