We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
