Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
