I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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