Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
