Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
