I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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